Mediocrity

I am a mediocre person. There is nothing really special or extraordinary about me. Nothing that makes me stand out in a crowd. Nothing that draws people to me. Nothing that really sets me apart as different or as unique or that defines me as a person. Some people are amazing singers, some play an instrument, some dance, others are particularly good at a sport. I do none of those. I can't sing, play any instrument, dance, and I've never played a sport. I have never done anything really exciting, never traveled anywhere exotic, meet important people, done things the average person doesn't do. I'm not a good teacher, not the best speaker, not a natural leader. I'm not unnaturally beautiful, tall, or thin. I am not knowledgeable about anything specific nor am I super intelligent. I don't have enough money to mask the fact that I am ordinary by purchasing extravagant things, clothes, makeup, and jewelry. I'm not a forward thinker nor do I think outside the box. I'm not inventive or original, even my art is usually copied from something I've seen before. I'm not the best at anything. I sometimes envy other people with these talents or traits. I covet what they have or the natural God given talents and abilities they have been given. I wonder why God didn't give me a beautiful voice or a models body. Why are my talents not more evident or extravagant? I long to stand out or be special. I try sometimes to be the best "fill in the blank" but my efforts are never enough. Why do I have this desire to be especially good at something or special in some way? Why do I feel defeated when I don't measure up? Why do I feel inferior when I am with people who are 'special'? What would be different in my life if I were not mediocre? Why do I need and seek for this fulfillment? I think if I am truly honest with myself it is because I see that self worth, definition, and purpose are tied to these things. I find my worth in being good at something, definition in being known for something or how well I do something, and purpose in doing these things to gain worth and definition. Isn't Christ where I am supposed to find this fulfillment? Aren't I supposed to find my worth in Him, He should define who I am, and my purpose in this life should be to live for Him?
I know this, but then why can't I make myself believe this and live it every day? I suppose I find it more satisfying to be 'special' in the eyes of man for what I can do in this world that I do in just being 'special' for who I am to God. I don't have to be anyone special or do anything special for God to love me. This should satisfy my desires and needs but for some reason I don't allow it to all the time. I am not finding my joy in being His. I am searching for my joy in who others see me as. I think everyone at some point in their lives comes to ask themselves, 'what do I have to offer this world?" and when you go through the list and find you really have nothing to offer, that is when hopelessness, loneliness, and despair set in. As a follower of Christ I should not come up empty handed when I ask myself this question. I have Him, therefore He is what I have to offer to the world. And that should be enough. That should be an honor. But I still find myself inadequate to even do that at times. I guess what makes me different from someone who does not have Christ in their lives is that I have hope; that someday soon I will know the feeling of contentment with who I am and the place in life I have been given by God. I know that He can change my heart. If I didn't have that hope, I am pretty sure I would want to end my time in this world. What would I have to live for? What would I have to offer? NOTHING. So once again He is my Savior; and I am reminded of my great need for one.